The "NO"-Zone Layer

“Next”, the woman behind the counter sighed.  The word fell heavy from her lips; as if she were already bored with the conversation she was about to have.  “Hi!” I said cheerfully, hoping my cheerfulness would rub off and she would help me. 

“What can I do for you?” she asked.

“There seems to be a problem with my zoning permit.  While I did apply for zoning classification, I received a classification that I did not apply for.  My name is Paul.” 

“OK, let me look.  Alright.  I see your application here.  It states you submitted an application and the commission granted you a friend-zone permit.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.  I didn’t apply for friend-zoning.  I applied for the open boyfriend permit.”

“I see.  Unfortunately, the commission only grants one of those permits at a time, and while the boyfriend permit is still outstanding, the commission believes that someone else will put together a more competitive package.  So, the commission deigned to grant you a friend-zone permit instead.”

“How is that possible?!  I went through all appropriate channels.  I submitted my application for the boyfriend permit in a clear manner over a series of Friday nights.   I purposefully avoided most of the qualifications for a friend-zone permit.  I never asked her to get lunch; I didn’t discuss other girls with her; I didn’t bake her cookies!  I was careful!  This zoning determination was never even discussed as an option.  I would like to appeal the commission’s granting of a friend-zone permit.”

“No one has ever successfully challenged a zoning determination through confrontation, though you are welcome to reapply in a couple of months.  There have been rare instances where an applicant has received a new classification.” 

“What qualifies someone for reclassification?” I asked, dejected, staring at my feet.

“I can’t tell you.” 

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I literally cannot tell you.  We don’t know the qualifications.  We only know when someone doesn’t qualify.  And right now, sir, you don’t qualify.  But we think you are wonderful and look forward to a long and productive friendship with you.”

“Well, dammit.”