“Well, Mr. Johnson, thank you
for your application. It says here
you are a drunken atheist and it looks like you had your mom fill out your
application for you. Good for you
for tying your own shoes to make in today....oh, they’re Velcro. Well, here you are anyway and this note from your mom also says that you
have the personality of a brick wall, but after talking with you, I feel that
is being a little too generous, because a brick wall has some texture to
it. You’ve given me nothing back
in this conversation, but you look like Justin Timberlake, so congratulations,
you’ve got the job. Now, everyone
who knows this job will initially be really surprised you have been asked to
fill the position. You’ve beaten
out some applicants who look better on paper (though not in photos), applicants
who have personalities, who are able to string together sentences in a coherent
and often humorous manner. Others
will talk about you behind your back but that’s really only until they realize
how superficial this job really is.
We’d like to ask you to sign this non-competition agreement, knowing
that you’ve taken on side projects while working on other jobs in the
past. Official company policy is
that such indiscretions will not be tolerated, though to be honest, this job
knows that you might do it again, but secretly hopes that it is ‘special’
enough that you won’t ‘feel the need’ to take on side projects.
“To all the other applicants: thank you for applying. The position has been filled by Mr. Johnson here. Don’t bother asking about his qualifications, it will just stupefy you. The company wants you other applicants to know that we think you are great...for another company. Please, please, please don’t reapply. Your inability to test out of several key categories makes you ineligible for this position. (Well, just one category, really. But this job needs someone who is going to be really, really good looking.)”
Epilogue
John stared dejectedly down at his feet. This was the fifth position in the last six months that he had interviewed for only to be beaten out by the guy who said "Sup, bro" to him as he sat in the waiting room.
