A Man of Letters

Dear Mr. President,

I am unaware if such a salutation is appropriate, for in the present case I use the term “President” lightly.  I believe that you usurped that office through networking and nepotism and not necessarily through any sort of business acumen on your part.

I assume that this letter, despite the address, was undoubtedly sent to the complaints department, so you are wisely not expecting an encomium.  I understand the tendency of those working in your career field to claim that customers can be cavil about products.  This letter, however, is not a pithy claim for restitution.  I am writing to preserve the moral fiber of our country.

Who we choose to associate with says a lot about our character.  Over time, we become more like those we spend time with.  Unfortunately, history has shown us that, as a whole, man’s moral mettle is malleable.  The more he is exposed to amoral and corrupt influences, the more he comes to accept these negative influences as “part of everyday life”.  If such aphorisms ring true about friends and acquaintances, then those we choose to represent us says more about what we aspire to become.

Sir, you have chosen a mascot to represent your company that is bigoted and racist.  I refer, of course, to the Cheetos Chester Cheetah.  Cheetahs, as you well know, are indigenous to various parts of sub-Saharan Africa.  Your decision to make Chester synonymous with a smooth-talking, sunglasses-wearing, alley cat instead of a hard working, newly immigrated, African cat is dismissive of thousands of immigrants and insulting to all Americans. 

Those most familiar with your product, obese Americans, have become racist, not towards African-Americans, but towards legal aliens.  Xenophobia has run rampant throughout this country and your treatment of Chester Cheetah has only exasperated the issue. One need only look to the "Birther" movement to see that though people no longer have a problem with minorities in this country, it has become socially and politically acceptable to viciously target non-nationals.

As a concerned citizen of this country, I, and thousands more like me, call on you to make a change.  Change his name to “Chiumbo Cheetah”.  Give him a visa and a vision.  Let him speak in his halting African singsong fashion, not in smooth jazz tones.  Why not give him traditional African garb?  Fix this!

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen

Also, your regular Cheetos don’t have as much cheese powder as they used to.  Fix that, too.