Friday, March 28, 2014

A Duel with a Dandy


With steel in hand, Marcus eyed his nemesis warily.  “Lay on, Geoffrey.  Damn your…” A deafening roar of ball and powder interrupted his soliloquy, as the words could find no air through the wall of blood suddenly filling Marcus’ throat.  His hand, which, a moment ago firmly and expertly clutched his rapier, now clawed at his neck in an attempt to stem the free flow of his lifeblood.  His body and his blade hit the ground with a thud, the former as lifeless as the latter. 

Geoffrey looked down in disgust at Marcus, the latter dressed in velvets that were considered all the rage this year. Geoffrey thought that there were too many feathers and frills, loops and fringes.  “Stupid foppish boy!” thought Geoffrey.  The two had always shared an intense hatred.  Marcus was always quick with a quip, often at Geoffrey’s expense, and overtly dramatic, as evidenced by his attempt at a monologue before their duel. 

Even in death, his mouth was open.

“Now, to dispose of the body.”  Leaving it where it fell, atop castle’s battlements would hardly be a discreet hiding place.  He bent down and grabbed Marcus and hefted him over his shoulders.  He would have to hurry.  Someone would come to investigate the ruckus.  As Geoffrey broke into a trot, his fine leather boots padding softly on cobbled stone, he thought back to the insult that had brought him to this.  The fight broke out over a woman.  Well, not any woman.  The fight had broken out over Micelle.   Geoffrey met her 2 years earlier while walking through the market.  She was enchanting, beautiful.  They began a fast friendship, though Geoffrey had always been explicit in his desires for more.

The plague had taken her last week.  Taken her from Geoffrey.  He went to the tavern to spend what little gold he had left to drown his sorrows.  It was there Marcus had committed his fatal error.  That little weasel, surrounded by his several sycophants, loudly boasted about bedding the fairest maidens in the land.  When he began to describe in agonizing detail an encounter with Micelle, Geoffrey ran to their table and threw Marcus from his chair.  He wished he had said something chivalrous like “Besmirch not the name of mine fair maiden.  Keep her name from thy lips and her face from thy thoughts.”  Instead in his rage addled mind he could only muster a single syllable: “Don’t.”

Marcus, having been chided in front of his dandy army, was quick to challenge Geoffrey to a duel.  Geoffrey, against his good nature and better judgment, quickly accepted.  No seconds, at dawn, atop the battlements.  For Micelle. 

And now Marcus was dead, draped over Geoffrey’s shoulders like a feathery sack of potatoes.  Sure, Geoffrey had cheated, but he also had lived.  Geoffrey slowed to a walk to look over the wall.  It was a three hundred foot drop to the ocean below.  No one would find his body there.  He felt a sense of relief as he let the body go, followed quickly by a sharp tug as one of the loops in Marcus’ natty outfit caught Geoffrey by his sword belt.  Soon he and the body pitched over the battlements towards the ocean below.  “Stupid foppish boy!” were the last thoughts Geoffrey had.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Student Vigorish


Dear Jeffrey,

This is a message regarding your student loans.  We would like to welcome you as a customer!  Sallie Mae, in reviewing its financial stability, has come to the conclusion that the company needs to sell aging debt in order to maintain financial viability.  Therefore, in an effort to help the struggling institution, we, the Puzzo Family of New York have purchased your student loan in the amount of $135,347.03.

With the change in ownership of your debt, some change in loan terms also apply. 

The interest rate for your loan, hereinafter referred to as “the vig”, will increase to 10 percent compounded daily, up from 4.5% compounded annually. 

Failure to comply with the terms listed in this document or failure to pay back the loan in full including the vig will result in immediate mediation, with the mediator to be chosen by the Puzzo Family, likely in the person of Vinny the Hammer.  All decisions and determinations by mediation are permanent and will be carried out immediately, including, but not limited to, maiming, dismemberment, and termination.

Should you have any questions, feel free to call the pay phone outside Tony’s Bar, or stop by and pay us a visit.  Please note: any unfavorable visit may result in an increase in the vig or other “penalties” as we see fit. 

Sincerely,

Sal Puzzo

Friday, January 3, 2014

Let them have cake...and ice cream


“You can have some ice cream when you finish your dinner.”

I saw the look of consternation on my mother’s face.  Mom was all powerful in my house and she wielded that power with awesome force of will.  But my cousin Tina didn’t visit often and was obviously not intimidated. 

“I want dessert now!”

I couldn’t believe it.  She had done it.  She had thrown down the gauntlet.  The die was cast and she was crossing the Rubicon.  The import of this moment was not lost on me.  Even at five, I realized the ramifications if Mom allowed my 7 year old cousin to have dessert.  Think of the precedent it would set!  No more broccoli, no more brussel sprouts.   No more “Finish your plate” lectures.  From now on, I could have pie for an appetizer and eat the rest of my dinner only if I felt like it.  Soon, we wouldn’t need to buy dinner at all!  Mom would realize that dinner had become a moot point and our freezer would be full of Otter Pops and ice cream sandwiches.  I would be the most popular kid in school.  Kids would vie for my friendship and for dinner invites, knowing that veggies were a thing of the past, all thanks to the gumption of a seven year old Magellan, charting into the unknown seas of dessert innovation. 

“I will not be dictated to by a seven-year old child,” Mother pronounced. 

So much for pie and popularity.