Dear Jeffrey,
This is a message regarding your student loans. We would like to welcome you as a
customer! Sallie Mae, in reviewing its
financial stability, has come to the conclusion that the company needs to sell
aging debt in order to maintain financial viability. Therefore, in an effort to help the
struggling institution, we, the Puzzo Family of New York have purchased your
student loan in the amount of $135,347.03.
With the change in ownership of your debt, some change in
loan terms also apply.
The interest rate for your loan, hereinafter referred to as
“the vig”, will increase to 10 percent compounded daily, up from 4.5%
compounded annually.
Failure to comply with the terms listed in this document or
failure to pay back the loan in full including the vig will result in immediate
mediation, with the mediator to be chosen by the Puzzo Family, likely in the
person of Vinny the Hammer. All
decisions and determinations by mediation are permanent and will be carried out
immediately, including, but not limited to, maiming, dismemberment, and termination.
Should you have any questions, feel free to call the pay
phone outside Tony’s Bar, or stop by and pay us a visit. Please note: any unfavorable visit may result
in an increase in the vig or other “penalties” as we see fit.
Sincerely,
Sal Puzzo
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